Individuality

“Is everything ok?” I asked. 

“I was wondering how long I could get away with not saying anything...There are two!  Two heads!  See, there and there.” The technician flipped the sonogram screen toward me pointing to two heads.  I’ll admit my reply was filled with profanity (lol). My response was full of emotion and shock.  I had already reached 20 weeks gestation so this news was a whole new ballgame.  I was happy, scared, emotional and from that moment my life would be different.  Different in so many ways.

At the end of September 2014, I knew I was pregnant...I just knew.  I felt different and I was tired and nauseous.  I tested positive before I was even due to test.  Looking back now, it makes sense.  Since I was carrying twins my HCG levels were likely much much higher.  

After my 20 week sonogram we met with my OB and received the news of the abnormality in Isaiah’s brain.  We were followed closely for a variety of reasons, but primarily to keep close measurements of fluid levels and keep track of any changes to Isaiah’s brain.  From 21-32 weeks I was on bed rest and was on google way too much.  It was stressful and terrifying.  The boys shared a placenta, making it a higher risk pregnancy.  The unknown and the uncertainty of my pregnancy’s outcome was nerve wracking to say the least.

At 32 weeks my water broke and I delivered identical twin boys via cesarean section.  They had a bit of difficulty after delivery, however were strong and off respiratory help within 4 hours.  During the 5 week NNICU stay, Isaiah received surgical intervention to correct his hydrocephalus that was diagnosed at birth (which he nailed by the way).  After our discharge we carried on with life the best we knew how.  I had my Mothers help and am thankful to this day.   

The questions and comments though.  They came from all directions!  “Are they identical?  Wow, you have your hands full!  Double trouble.  I’m glad it’s you and not me.”  They continued and still continue.  But at one point in time there was a shift to the nature of the questions and comments.  When a noticeable difference between the boys occurred. 
 Liam was a spit fire.  He developed accordingly and hit milestones on target, which was absolutely wonderful for a 32 weeker!  I was a proud Mom indeed!  But for Isaiah, my warrior, everything lagged about 9 to 10 months, sometimes a year behind.  He was slower to learn, slower to develop, and continues on the same track now.  I was and am equally proud of Isaiah!  Especially considering the amount of hardship he faced with surgeries and complications with his shunt.

The shift in comments and questions came on even stronger at about the age of one.  When Liam began to babble, crawl, walk, talk, point, and Isaiah didn’t.  Isaiah always got there, but always 9 months to a year after his brother.  You would think, no big deal, right?  If he were a singleton, no one would have said a boo.  But since they were identical twins, it seemed as though people had the expectation they were the same.  It wasn’t a huge deal for me until I had comments such as “Aren’t they identical?  Why isn’t he saying anything?  Wow he has a lot to say compared to his brother!”  Those who knew us personally didn’t say these things of course.  They knew how incredible Isaiah was doing, especially considering the crappy prognosis he had been given.  At one point I was told there was a possibility of cerebral palsy, deafness, blindness, and maybe the chance he wouldn’t walk.  

Let me tell you something as the parent.  Innocent strangers making comments and asking questions; it SHOULD just roll off my shoulders.  But it didn’t, and it still doesn’t for the most part.  But I’m learning as time goes on.  Now the boys are 3 years old, both verbal and walking.  The comments seem to have subsided for the most part.  However, now with Isaiah’s autism his behaviours are different.  His time reaction is different.  His language is different.  His tantrums, they are different.  My point being, those who do not know, plainly do not know.  Maybe they are intrigued, curious, sometimes even concerned and want to help.  Isaiah has had many public meltdowns and takes occasional violent tantrums.  I handle them just the same as if we were in a controlled environment or at home.  I try not to react to everyone else.  But it can be especially hard at times.  The stares are sometimes hurtful.  But, as my counsellor mentioned, I have no way of knowing WHAT they are thinking.  Perhaps their stares are stares of empathy because they have a niece or son with Autism?  Perhaps they feel they should offer to help?  We don’t always know what another person is thinking.  So that being said, do you and do your child!  You and your child are what matter the most.  The bystanders and passers by, can deal with whatever they are going through.  

This entry was to bring insight to everyone and anyone who has this perception of twins.  They may BE identical, but could be polar opposite.  They are individuals.  They grow and learn at their own rate.  This is the beauty of every child and both my children are so beautiful.  To the other parents struggling with the same situation, deep breaths and continue focusing on you and your child.  It’s not our business what other people think.

“No one is you and that is your power.”

-Dave Grohl