Letting Go

It has been quite some time since my last blog post. In fact, it has been almost 3 years. I am here and ready to divulge all of my thoughts and feelings…Get ready because I have a lot to say!

A lot has changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. But as I sit here, I am aware all happens for a reason. We are always exactly where we are supposed to be, exactly when we are supposed to be there. Our experiences make us who we are. Sometimes the reason is directly in front of us and we just know. We strive to continue with a smile knowing everything will work out and fall into place when the reasons aren’t directly in front of us. When things get tough we have to trust the process. Accept things for what they are and know at some point it will all make sense. Breathing through the emotions. Waiting and trusting.  

What we don’t always understand is the growing we are exposed to with every single experience, good or bad. We learn everyday from ourselves and others. What we make of these experiences, ultimately is our choice. Life is forever changing. Accepting what will be is in itself very difficult for a lot of us. Especially for those of us who like to control every. single. thing. Controlling all situations calms OUR storm, yet it steals opportunities for others. Controlling everything doesn’t allow room for mistakes to happen. When mistakes do happen, we are defeated by them. It doesn’t allow learning opportunities for our children. Controlling everything is unfair to others and it’s unfair to ourselves. It’s selfish and it’s exhausting. We are not meant to control all. We are meant to be flexible, we are meant to have help, and we we meant to allow things to flow naturally, without resistance. 

Recognizing and giving up control can be a life shifting experience. The anxiety that comes with this can be debilitating and overwhelming for some. But it’s a healing opportunity, and I’ve been trying to embrace all of the learning, which is giving me the opportunity for all of the healing. 

Allowing others to handle things and allowing others a chance to thrive. This hits me on many levels and I’ve been slowly learning to give up the control again that directly involves my life. With my children, who are now fully capable of doing things for themselves. I’m allowing them to fall, to fail. To get back up and try again. I recently questioned myself, isn’t the ultimate goal to have our children thrive? To have them learn? To have them capable of making decisions? To have them happy and healthy, physically and emotionally. To watch them fail. Allowing them to fail means allowing them to trouble shoot. It allows them to problem solve. It allows them to grow and learn. Yes, those ARE the goals. Just as adults, we must fail and continue to try, time and time again. We want the absolute best for our young, yet our fears stop them from becoming their own beings.

As quoted by Samual Becket “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” Failing allows us to learn and without failure, there is no learning.

For those taking care of my children, allowing myself to know they too have raised their own children, or they too have experience with children and special needs children. Allowing others to handle the big emotions my autistic son often has. They too have techniques and ways that work for him. They are capable. Perhaps not by doing things exactly how I would or how I want them to. But they are capable in their own way. The more the merrier. If someone is helping and teaching my children grow and learn, I have to be ok with that. It is teaching my children to be ok and feel safe without me there. I can’t always be there. They must spread their wings and learn from others just as much as they’ve learned from me. I have to trust in myself, that I’ve instilled them with the best I have. The African proverb states, “It takes a village to raise a child.” More so than ever, I understand this. 

I am finally letting go and allowing my children to learn, to fail, to grow, and to thrive without me by their side. 

I am learning to be ok with my partner doing things without running it by me first, or doing things without me, or deciding things without me. He is a fully capable adult that has raised 4 children himself. I am in a committed relationship with him because I love and trust him and who he is. Unlike how things have been for us for a long time, I am learning to be in a partnership again, like the beginning. I am finding myself, the person he fell in love with, the person I love. Ridding myself of thoughts that I am alone. I am not alone. He is there and will always be there. He is in my life for a reason and I have to trust in that. He came into my life during a very difficult time and has remained by my side though some of my darkest times. It’s time to heal and find myself. For me, for him, for my children and step children, for my friends and family. I deserve that. They deserve that, because you know what? At my worse, I am pretty awesome. But at my best, I am fucking amazing. 

I’m breathing through all of it. It’s a learning curve and I am right where I am supposed to be. I am trusting the process, regaining myself to a healthy mental state. Grounding myself. Regaining my physical health by proper nourishment, movement, and rest. Being the best version of me I can be, one second at a time.  

On May 24th, 2021 I finally made a plan. I asked for help. I expressed my deepest darkest thoughts to those closest to me, and began preparing. Preparing myself to change negative habits, to allow myself to rest, to allow myself to grieve, and to feel validated. To allow myself to finally let go of the fears and past traumas that had been holding me back. All of this seemed extremely scary. Scary to actually feel all the feels. Scary to actually take care of myself and take a much needed step away from everyday chaotic life, including stepping away from my loving partner, and my boys. My boys who are now 6 years old. My boys who are no longer babies. My boys who are directly being affected by my mental health and struggles. We all needed a break. We all needed ME to deal with my traumas. We all deserved to have a happy healthy me. I deserved to be happy and healthy. I deserved to take care of myself once and for all. My partner deserved me to be the best version of myself, the one he fell in love with. He deserved to not worry about me. He deserved to see me in a healthier, happier state. His children deserved to visit a healthy and calm environment without tension from my anxieties. My children deserved a Mother that was ok. A mother that would take care of herself. A teaching opportunity for my 6 year olds. Showing them I could be healthy and happy. My children, born in 2015 have always been first and the most important. They were clean, well dressed and groomed, well nourished, well rested, educated, and above all, what I thought was happy. 

The moment my son asked me why I didn’t eat with them, or why I didn’t brush my teeth, or why I hadn’t showered, or why I was always tired was painful. The realization that my 6 year old recognized these things and I didn’t. The biggest eye opener is when your children know you are not ok. Their little souls are much too small to have to deal with such big emotions. I have always been very open with them about emotions, primarily because I am an emotional being. It’s normal for me to cry. It’s normal for anyone to cry. Happy tears or sad. But when my special needs son asked “Is Mommy happy?” When I was clearly not ok. He would say “I love Mom, I am happy at you” as he would smile at me and hold my face. 

They were both smart enough to recognize I was struggling. Of course I was aware I wasn’t ok. I had been hiding and masking my emotions for a long time. It was time to make big transitions because I clearly wasn’t aware enough to make the changes that needed to be made before then. But on May 24th, I made a plan and stuck to it.

I am now on Day 4 of 6. Alone, in solitude with my thoughts, emotions, and fears. It’s been an amazing experience. I began the first 2 days with an organized retreat, with 10 other like minded women, facilitated by an amazing healer. Yoga, breathing, meditation, sound healing, drumming and reiki. A lot of foreign things for me but also some familiar. I have grown emotionally and spiritually in such a short amount of time. I have healed so much in a short amount of time. I finally put in the work. My razor sharp focus on what I needed and wanted. I gave up control. Que sera, sera. This beautiful place is simplistic with cabins in the woods, away from the busy life we all live. The only noises I hear are trees in the wind, birds chirping, squirrels jumping from branch to branch, and the beautiful water in the distance. I feel calm yet I am nervously anticipating “back to reality.” I know my work is not done. I have a lot more to do, and will likely continue to learn and grow for as long as I live. All I can do is learn to be gentle with myself. Reflect and learn when I fall. Continue to grow from my failures and continue to be the best I can be.