The Raw Truth

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“Its your reality Gena.  Be ok and be thankful for what you do have instead of focusing on the negative.”  “Are you using your breathing techniques?” “You should get out!  Go for a nice long walk, it’ll help.”  “What would your fairy godmother do?”  “Are you eating properly? Are you taking care of yourself?  To be a good Mom, you have to make sure you’re taking care of yourself first you know...” 

Everyone in my life, including myself say these things  in hopes it will send my butt in the right direction.  Somedays it helps me over a hump.  Other days you want to throat punch the person giving you advice. You just wish they could be in your shoes for one day.  Just to feel it all and be with your thoughts.

The truth.  No, I’m not always  accepting my life for what it is lately.  I’m not always breathing properly when I’m anxious.  I’m not taking care of myself and I don’t want to go for a damn walk.  It all seems exhausting to me.  BUT.  Do you know what?  I choose life.  I choose to carry on and pick myself up.  

Have you ever been depressed?  So depressed that the simplest of tasks seem daunting and impossible.  Showering, brushing your teeth, leaving the house are all things I struggle with on a daily.  I’m happy to report I’ve managed to brush my teeth and shower consistently for 21 days.  Seems dumb, small, and ridiculous to some.  But for me it’s a freakin’ win.  It’s a step in the direction I want to be going.  Have you been so anxious that you have a lump in your throat for days on end?  I’ve never experienced this actually until a few weeks ago and it’s an awful feeling.  My heart flutters and races at the mere thought of something stressful happening.  The fear of losing control and being completely emaciated by your mental illness.  When you have two 3 year olds that need you, you are terrified by the very thought.  I know first hand and I’m living it.  It’s nothing short of awful.  A terrible dark crappy cloud hanging over you.  The feeling of 20 pound sandbags weigh you down and you have physical pain over your entire body.  It hurts in all aspects and all you can do is fight.  Fight it off.  Imagine yourself trapped under water in a straight jacket.  Can you picture and imagine that?  Can you imagine what that would feel like?  The feeling of drowning with no chance of being saved.  That is what fighting depression feels like for me.  It is the hardest fight you will ever have.  Those who give up fighting, we won’t get too deep into that, because that’s not my reality.  But in a nutshell, for those individuals, living and fighting for life becomes harder and scarier than ending their life.  Ending their life seems easier than continuing the fight.  Those people make a choice.  That is not my choice.  I choose life.  My story does not end here.  I want so many things.  I have goals.  I have dreams.  I have 2 beautiful children that love and depend on me every single day.  I have a wonderful boyfriend that would do anything for me and my boys.  What is it going to take for me to snap out of this?

I keep fighting.  I get up everyday and count my blessings.  I try to laugh as much as possible.  I appreciate and cuddle up to my special man and take in all the love he gives me.  I hug and kiss my children 20 times a day.  I think of my loved ones who have passed on because of illness and old age and have comfort in knowing they are looking out for me and my boys.  Counselling and frequent visits with my psychiatrist to keep on top of things.  Having a good support system in place is also crucial.  I talk to my mother often and she gives me great reminders of what I’ve gone through over the last 3 years.  She reminds me that “this too shall pass.”  I’ve struggled for years with ups and major downs and she reminds me that this is just another major down and I’ll overcome once again.  She acknowledges my depression and doesn’t make me feel as though I shouldn’t feel this way.  Our bodies are only capable of so much and my body needs a reset.  Hang in there baby, this life is one hell of a ride.  

“Depression isn’t a sign of weakness.  It is a sign you have been strong for far too long.”

-Unknown 

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