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Letting Go

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It has been quite some time since my last blog post. In fact, it has been almost 3 years. I am here and ready to divulge all of my thoughts and feelings…Get ready because I have a lot to say! A lot has changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. But as I sit here, I am aware all happens for a reason. We are always exactly where we are supposed to be, exactly when we are supposed to be there. Our experiences make us who we are. Sometimes the reason is directly in front of us and we just know. We strive to continue with a smile knowing everything will work out and fall into place when the reasons aren’t directly in front of us. When things get tough we have to trust the process. Accept things for what they are and know at some point it will all make sense. Breathing through the emotions. Waiting and trusting.   What we don’t always understand is the growing we are exposed to with every single experience, good or bad. We learn everyday from ourselves and others. What we make of thes
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A time for everything...

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There is a time for everything... Mental health has and is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with.  Having a constant inner battle with myself isn’t fun.  I do continue to keep my head above water and count my blessings on a daily basis.  I am thankful for keeping my shit somewhat together. I haven’t blogged for what seems like forever.  I just wasn’t into it at all.  I kept saying there will be a time for it.  It’ll happen and come to me when I least expect it.  Here I am, sitting in a quiet room, ready to roll! I’ve been up to quite a few changes recently.  Back to work, new counsellor, new medication, and trying to care for myself.  “Trying” being the key word as it’s been on and off again as usual.  Why do we struggle so much with something such as taking good care of our health and well being?  We are constantly doing everything else for everyone else, not taking ourselves into consideration.  Health issues or not, children or not, partner or not we all seem to put o
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Meaningful Memories

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Never one without two...The story behind my blog title has a special meaning and as I sit here camp fire, I feel the need to write.  My journey with identical twin boys and the way they make my heart so full.  This weekend, for the first time I am away with Liam while Isaiah spends some time with Grammy.  It’s a first for all of us and I must admit it feels both strange and special.  Isaiah is my exceptional boy, with special needs.  Earlier on this month I made the decision to let Isaiah hang back from time to time, with respite care or family while Liam could experience more.  So he could have uninterrupted fun and just be a kid.  He was way too sheltered and has been missing out on some things as Isaiah would take all of my attention and time.  Never one without two, the title came to be a long time ago as I realized it was in fact always the two, Liam and Isaiah together.  Imaginary conjoined twins you could say.  They were basically joined at the hip.  What I’ve come to realize o
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Inspiration

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Inspiration  Everyone has their “go to” for getting the job done.  Sometimes those who procrastinate find the drive in a tight dead line.  Some who plan in advance with schedules and lists are more productive.  I personally am not sure what makes me tick, but Ive been quite keen with my writing recently.  I thought because of the hardships I’ve been facing, the stress and depressed feelings sparked my creativity.  Who knew?  I took something not so great and turned it into something productive and hopefully helpful.  With writing and explaining my feelings, I have a sense of validation.  I feel heard, it feels as though I’ve gotten a lot of my chest.  But now because things have settled and I feel better, my writing came to a standstill.  I’ve been trying to write for days with nothing solid enough to even bother posting.  Which leads me to tonight’s piece, boobs and balls!  Yup I said it!  (Inside joke). Recently I joined a local Facebook group that consists of parents who ha
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Individuality

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“Is everything ok?” I asked.  “I was wondering how long I could get away with not saying anything...There are two!  Two heads!  See, there and there.” The technician flipped the sonogram screen toward me pointing to two heads.  I’ll admit my reply was filled with profanity (lol). My response was full of emotion and shock.  I had already reached 20 weeks gestation so this news was  a whole new ballgame.  I was happy, scared, emotional and from that moment my life would be different.  Different in so many ways. At the end of September 2014, I knew I was pregnant...I just knew.  I felt different and I was tired and nauseous.  I tested positive before I was even due to test.  Looking back now, it makes sense.  Since I was carrying twins my HCG levels were likely much much higher.   After my 20 week sonogram we met with my OB and received the news of the abnormality in Isaiah’s brain.  We were followed closely for a variety of reasons, but primarily to keep close measurements o
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The Raw Truth

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“Its your reality Gena.  Be ok and be thankful for what you do have instead of focusing on the negative.”  “Are you using your breathing techniques?” “You should get out!  Go for a nice long walk, it’ll help.”  “What would your fairy godmother do?”  “Are you eating properly? Are you taking care of yourself?  To be a good Mom, you have to make sure you’re taking care of yourself first you know...”  Everyone in my life, including myself say these things  in hopes it will send my butt in the right direction.  Somedays it helps me over a hump.  Other days you want to throat punch the person giving you advice. You just wish they could be in your shoes for one day.  Just to feel it all and be with your thoughts. The truth.  No, I’m not always  accepting my life for what it is lately.  I’m not always breathing properly when I’m anxious.  I’m not taking care of myself and I don’t want to go for a damn walk.  It all seems exhausting to me.  BUT.  Do you know what?  I choose life.  I ch
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Harsh Reality

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That moment when you realize your child’s diagnosis is far worse than you originally thought.  It was almost as if I couldn’t catch my breath.  Like someone was choking me.  I cried as if someone had died.  It sounds harsh, but trust me when I say that’s how it felt.    I always knew Isaiah was special.  From the moment he was born, I knew my boy was going to be somewhat different and not live a completely “normal” life, that was my Mom gut instinct.  He was born at 32 weeks gestation weighing 3.14 pounds.  His identical twin brother Liam was born second, weighing 3.12 pounds. Isaiah was born with fluid on the brain, medically known as Hydrocephalus.  He was surgically shunted at 3 weeks of age to relieve the pressure on his brain.  Over the following 10 months he’d have a rollercoaster of a time with that damn shunt.  I honestly don’t recall a lot from that time frame.  But when I reflect and see photos I do know that at that point in my life, I became a whole different person.
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